SO, I do not have Klew's winning streak in NCAA bracket pools. I have lost every single pool I have ever been involved in. But I am not daunted. One day my genius will be recognized.
Also can I say the ESPN bracket system is the worst? Why is it taking me eleven pages to reach my bracket? Am I dumb? No, I already told you, unrecognized genius.
LET US PROCEED.
SOUTH
(1) Florida over (16) Albany because I was born in Jacksonville, and always been a Gators fan over the Seminoles (especially for you, Timmy). Also. Albany not even close to my favorite part of NY soooo not enough to pull me from the Gators. Even though orange and blue is borderline unforgivable. Florida will go on to beat Pitt and VCU because sure.
(9) Pittsburgh over (8) Colorado because East Coast over everything, guys. Also had a cool friend from high school who was a really good basketball player go to Pitt, and I like when my people are happy. Even if he fails to give Kansas the love it so obviously deserves. Also, Colorado, you're the dumbest for leaving the Big XII so bye forever, Buffs. Pittsburgh will go on to lose to Florida, with dignity.
(5) VCU over (12) SF Austin because their coach reminds me of Tupac. I really have no other explanation, but I don't mess with Tupac. Didn't like their bizarre runs in the past, so congrats on losing to Florida because I don't want to play you.
(4) UCLA over (13) Tulsa, because I respect traditions, and also a former high school crush went there. Should probably invest less in high school connections, as I am 22 and also hated high school. But no love for Oklahoma, really, because it was a boring state to drive through. Loses to VCU and goes home to tan in LA.
(6) Ohio State over (11) Dayton. Please listen to Klew and me, OHIO IS THE WORST. So to choose, I chose the version of Ohio I hate more. The longer Ohio State stays in, the longer I get to hate them mercilessly which brings me irrational glee. And no, I will not use the "The", Ohio State, so grab your buckeyes and get out. Ohio State knocks out Syracuse so I can continue to loathe.
(3) Syracuse over (14) W. Michigan. Tradition and East Coast. Boom. Though I haven't forgiven them for past KU woes, so don't expect them to stick around. #neverforget
(10) Stanford over (7) New Mexico. Pledge granddaughter's dad teaches at Stanford Law. He's also a Jayhawk. Easy.
(2) Kansas over (15) W. Kentucky. LISTEN. You just don't mess with the best. I had teachers in New Jersey write Rock Chalk on my tests. I gave my "informational speech" in sixth grade on KU and ended it teaching my classmates the Rock Chalk chant. Cool boys in high school (not stopping) spoke to me exclusively because of my Jayhawk shirts during the tourney. I've been betrothed to a different hawk every season (I am not over Tyrel Reed being married yet.) Third generation Jayhawk. Keep on keeping on. See ya at the ship.
EAST
(1) Virginia over (16) Costal Carolina. Edgar Allan Poe went to UVA, and it's also the prettiest ever. Charlottesville is real cool. My bosses's son goes there, and he's also cool. In it to win it for a while, go Cavs.
(9) George Washington over (8) Memphis. If you think for ONE MINUTE I've forgotten the thuggery of Memphis YOU DON'T KNOW ME. Forever be gone. This is your gain, George Washington. Enjoy losing to UVA.
(5) Cincy over (12) Harvard because I want Harvard to win but I once read an article about a Harvard player having to run suicides because he couldn't spell/define some archaic nonsense. Into archaic nonsense. Not on a basketball court. Play ball, Cincy (you lose to Michigan State so sucks to suck).
(4) Michigan State over (13) Delaware. So many people from my high school went to UDel and no one could ever make a Blue Hen sound serious. Also Tom Izzo looks like a grizzled Jon Bon Jovi so let's hear it for Jersey connections (things that make sense in my brain but look weird in written words).
(6) UNC over (11) Providence. My go to rule is when in doubt, choose the Catholics, but UNC can enjoy its KU foundation for a bit longer. Small factor: had a real love/hate relationship with Tyler Hansborough when I was younger in that I LOATHED HIM but also probably would have dated him. Also Roy's health seriously suffers when UNC underperforms, and that bums me out. So go ahead, Carolina blue is the worst color though, ignore Klew. They lose to Iowa State.
(3) Iowa State over (14) North Carolina Central. And why do they lose to Iowa State? Because I want little Iowa State hope to grow and be UTTERLY CRUSHED BY TOM IZZO/JON BON JOVI. Don't even like the Spartans. That's how irritated I am with Iowa State. YOUR CYCLONE WARNING CHEER IS IRRESPONSIBLE.
Rest of east doesn't matter, except once I was stuck in Milwaukee's airport and everything and everyone was truly awful and the only element of comfort was a poster about cheese curds. Couldn't even find the cheese curds. You're nothing to me, Milwaukee.
WEST
(1) Arizona over (16) Weber State, because you always give us trouble. I respect that. They will lose to Oklahoma though.
(8) Gonzaga over (9) Oklahoma State. Zags, because Catholic. SUP JESUITS. (I think they are Jesuits, there will be factions of my family mad I do not know this for sure. Pretty sure.) ALSO, NO HAPPINESS FOR YOU MARCUS SMART. NONE. Flipper swims in a river of his own tears back to Oklahoma.
(6) Baylor over (11) Nebraska because if you leave the Big XII you are dead to me. But Baylor loses to Creighton on the double offense of their awful highlighter uniforms, and Catholics beat Baptists. Sorry to see a bear mascot go, though.
(2) Wisconsin over (15) American. Wisconsin goes pretty far, because Badgers are cool I guess, if you're a Hufflepuff. But my craziest neighbors of all time were Wisconsin fans, so taste defeat and LIKE IT. That's for feeding the deer, YA LOON.
(3) Creighton over (14) Louisiana Lafayette. Creighton is in my Final Four because both Catholic and witty. Remember those That Shit Creigh, Ain't It Jay student section shirts? GENIUS. Also one of my all time favorite sorority sisters has family ties, so I'm down. Even though it would be cool to relive '88, Creighton beats Oklahoma. See ya, Sooners. Welcome to the Final Four, Creighton.
(7) Oregon over (10) BYU. DUCKS FLY TOGETHER.
MIDWEST
(1) Wichita State over (16) Cal Poly. Didn't even know Wichita State existed when I came to Kansas. It's a whole new world. So, do what ya gotta do, Kansans, I guess. Also, sup to Wiggins' brother.
(9) K State over (9) Kentucky. How to choose between two evils? KState is purple (WORST) and Octogon of Doom sounds like a lame WWE special I would skip past every single time on TV. But Calipari strikes me as the absolute slimiest of specimens, and thus no happiness for Kentucky. Guess I like when the Big XII has some success too, but at WHAT COST, KSTATE. WHAT COST.
(5) SLU over (12) North Carolina State. Catholics PLUS a billiken (sp?? does anyone really know?) looks like a Dr. Seuss character. Wait, is it a Dr. Seuss character? Also my dad is from St. Louis so that's cool. General disdain for universities with "state" in their names- no explanation, no excuse.
(4) Louisville (4) over Manhattan (13). Because even though I love the city, I'm not an idiot. Also people don't get jazzed about college athletics out here like they do pretty much anywhere else in the continental United States. Should've seen the local news coverage of it- just a blink. But listening to the apparent 15 variations on how to say Louisville gets old real fast, so they won't be sticking around long haul.
(11) Tennessee over (6) Massachusetts. Gonna be real honest, I'm finishing this post at work and I can't tell you who I picked. Maybe the vols because my little brother wanted to go there when he was younger? Maybe Massachusetts because I wish I was from Boston/a Kennedy? Irrelevant, they lose to Duke either way.
(3) Duke over (14) Mercer. Here is my deep dark secret- I love Duke. I fell in love with JJ Redick in middle school and never looked back. My family is disgusted. My Kansas friends DON'T EVEN KNOW. But here we are. I love Duke. Did you know the Duke family lived in Jersey and wanted to rename Princeton after the family, but Princeton was like "uh gonna go with no", so the Dukes basically rebuilt Princeton in North Carolina? Ballsy. Duke Farms still exists up here. I love Coach K, I can't spell his name. I love Jay Bilas. I love the Blue Devils. Welcome to my Final Four, I'll look fondly at your tears when you lose to my hawks.
(10) ASU over (7) Texas. Almost went to Texas, but instead the worst human in my graduating class did. My high school pettiness is to your gain, ASU.
(2) Michigan over (15) Wofford. The Arctic Monkeys had an early EP that was called "Who the F*** Are Arctic Monkeys?" that's what I think about when I hear the name Wofford. Also, #grateful Wofford isn't on my resume, because jokes galore, right? Right? Tons of great people I know went to Michigan, including my super cool English department mentor who plays in an all girl Irish rock band, who also spells Kathryn the right way. So welcome to the Elite Eight Michigan!
Upon finishing this, I already know Ohio State is out. Bracket busted. You should all know Klew has been taunting me with screenshots of the score, so, that's nice.
FINAL FOUR: Kansas Jayhawks, Creighton Jays, Michigan State Spartans, Duke Blue Devils.
KU vs Duke, endless parades culminating in my wedding to Wayne Selden. See ya'll there.
KATH OUT.
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