Back again for another year. Gotta give the people what they want.
The Midwest Region:
(1) Kentucky over (16) Whoever wins the play-in game. I'm convinced that this year's Kentucky team is actually the Monstars from Space Jam with newly acquired technology in that Basketball of theirs to make them look like humans instead of cartoons. If I had any sort of common sense (or if any of my bracket contests were for a large amount of money) I would have Kentucky go all the way, but I'd rather watch my bracket go to shit than write K-E-N-T-U-C-K-Y in the National Championship slot.
(9) Purdue over (8) Cincinnati. This is more of a "I DON'T choose Cincinnati" thing. Ohio is the worst state in the nation. I never pick Ohio ever. Also for some reason Purdue reminds me of chicken nuggets? Why is that? Whatever. Chicken nuggets are like my favorite food. Purdue it is.
(12) Buffalo over (5) West Virginia. Because my cousins are from Buffalo. Also West Virginia is gross also KU beat them in football once which is hilarious. KU never beats anyone in football. If you lose to KU Football, you deserve to be upset by a 12 seed in the first round.
(4) Maryland over (13) Valparaiso 1. I have no idea where Valparaiso is and I have too many tabs open right now to open a new one to look it up. 2. Maryland has pretty good cheerleading.
(11) Texas over (6) Butler. I think lots of people are going to pick Butler here, and I want to be DIFFERENT, YOU GUYS. I also want to be able to gloat if I was right and everyone else was wrong. Maybe Texas will be my Cinderella story? Actually probably not because I have them losing in the next round. Just felt like I needed to mention Cinderella. Also Texas is home to Whataburger and Whataburger is DELICIOUS. DID I MENTION HOW GREAT CINDERELLA IS!?
(3) Notre Dame over (14) Northeastern. The "Don't Be A Dummy" theory (explained below). Also Northeastern reminds me of a nor'eastern which is a terrible snowstorm. YOU ALL SHOULD KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT TERRIBLE SNOW STORMS. I DO NOT LIKE THEM. IFSO FACTO, I DO NOT LIKE YOU NORTHEASTERN.
(7) Wichita State over (10) Indiana. When I make this pick I sing this song in my head:
"MY MINNNDDDDS TELLIN ME NOOOOOOO. BUT MY BODY, MY BODY'S TELLIN ME YES!" aka I don't really have a reasoning. Leslie Knope is from Pawnee Indiana and I love her, but I gotta throw a bone to my fellow Kansans. Even though I hate Wichita. Wait. Is it too late to go back and change this one? Oh well, if Indiana wins this it'll be less of a bummer because yeah my bracket will be wrong but at least I'll have received what I wanted. Silver lining. Wichita sucks. So fine Wichita, I pick you, but I'm rooting for Indiana.
The West Region
(1) Wisconsin over (16) Costal Carolina. While yes, I do use a lot of nonsense as part of my strategy for creating some of the top scoring brackets of all time, I'm not an idiot. Sometimes I do pick teams that I know are clearly better than their opponents. I always pick all of the #1 seeds to make it past the 1st round. I call this the "don't be a dummy" theory.(9) Oklahoma State over (8) Oregon. OKLAHOMA STATE HAS PHENOMENAL CHEERELEADING. THAT IS THAT. (Also I loathe Oregon).
(13) Harvard over (4) UNC. THIS ONE WAS VERY HARD. I usually always pick Harvard without question because Elle Woods went to Harvard and she's my favorite fictional character of all time (Cinderella close second). I also usually always pick UNC without question because Carolina Blue is like my favorite shade of blue. I picked Harvard because UNC has Roy Williams, who left Kansas to coach at North Carolina. PEOPLE DON'T FORGET.
(11) Ole Miss over (6) Xavier: The Blind Side was a great movie. Sandra Bullock ROCKED in it, and Leigh Anne Tuohy was a Kappa Delta at Ole Miss. HODDY TODDY, Y'ALL.
(3) Baylor over (14) Georgia State. "Don't Be A Dummy." I have them going all the way to the final four, so that Kansas can STOMP ON THEIR FACES and do the hippity skippity all the way to the National Championship : ) TRA. FREAKIN. LA.
(7) VCU over (10) Ohio State. I hereby refer to this matchup as the "Deplora-bowl" because I hate both of these schools with a lot of my being (I'm not going to say "every fiber" because I don't even waste that much energy on them.) VCU gets my vote because VCU beat KU in 2011. That deserves some respect. So there ya go VCU. That's all you're gettin from me.This is like picking the nicest terrorist. Woof. Ohio is the worst state in the nation. Never pick Ohio, unless they're against Kentucky.
(2) Arizona over (15) Texas Southern because I said so. That is reason enough, peasants. Also "Don't Be A Dummy."
The East Region
(1) Villanova over (16) Lafayette. Don't be a Dummy. Also Mary Lewis wanted to go to Villanova, so I'll give them an ounce of love. Also aren't their colors blue and blue?(9) LSU over (8) NC State. Because Dan the Man went to LSU until he got shot there doing acts of heroism. Points for acts of heroism. Also if Dan likes you then I like you. Basically Danny Lewis is the coolest person I've ever come in contact with, so this one goes out to him.
(5) Northern Iowa over (12) Wyoming. You're telling me I have to pick between Iowa and Wyoming? I DO NOT THINK SO, UNIVERSE. BOTH PLACES SUCK. It doesn't even matter who I picked because I have them losing to Louisville in the next game. (I picked Iowa though. I'm a Bachelor fan.)
(4) Louisville over (13) UC Irvine LOUISVILLE HAS THE BEST CHEERLEADERS IN THE NATION.
(11) Whoever wins the play in over (6) Providence. Thought I'd mix it up a bit. I feel like everyone's going to pick Providence so I want to be able to be smug if they don't win. Also, that's how little I care about Providence. Don't even know who the option is and I pick it over Providence.
(3) Oklahoma over (14) Albany. I quite enjoy Oklahoma. I think I could have really liked it had I attended. They have Cane's there. What else do you need? (Do NOT, however, condone the SAE stuff as of late. I have them facing off against Virginia in the next round...LOL battle of the schools with the most Greek scandals!)
(10) Georgia over (7) Michigan State. It snows in Michigan. It doesn't in Georgia. That whole "oh, 2 snowflakes fall out of the sky so all of the sudden we forget how to exist" thing seems like something I could get used to, like the people in Georgia did last year when they had that "blizzard." DUH I PICK GEORGIA. Also Huckabay and I went on a college visit to UGA junior year and it was really fun.
(2) Virginia over (15) Belmont Tina Fey graduated from the University of Virginia, so that logic perpetuated them all the way to the Final 4 for me. UNBREAKABLE KIMMY SCHMIDT Y'ALL. GO WATCH IT.
The South Region
(1) Duke over (16) Whoever wins the play-in game SIIIIIIGHHHHHHHHH. I hate Duke. "Don't Be A Dummy" Theory, but I have them losing in the Sweet 16.(5) Utah over (12) Stephen F. Austin. I might have been drunk while making my picks? Why do I like Utah over Stephen F. Austin? I don't. It snows in Utah. It doesn't in Texas. I thought "oh well Aunt Patty lives in Utah sometimes and I love Aunt Patty," but Aunt Patty also lives in Texas! Thanking my lucky stars brackets aren't due yet. I'm going back to change this one. I DO WHAT I WANT. Dodged that bullet. (12) Stephen F. Austin over (5) Utah.
(4) Georgetown over (13) Eastern Washington. Because Georgetown reminds me of Olivia Pope and I think she rocks. Didn't Mellie go to Georgetown? I don't think so, but this gives me a platform to tell you people that Mellie is the best character on Scandal. I have Georgetown defeating Duke to go to the Elite 8. Somebody had to be called upon to defeat Duke. It was Georgetown's time to shine. Also Georgetown reminds me of George Washington and that hilarious meme article that +Kerry Benn and I found earlier this year. Except I guess shouldn't Eastern Washington remind me of George Washington? Too bad. It doesn't.
(6) SMU over (11) UCLA Because I picked all the other 11 seeds.
(3) Iowa State over (14) UAB. Even though I NEVER EVER EVER want to see another Iowa State fan as long as I live, I still give them this vote. They beat KU in the Big 12 Tournament Championship. So, respect, but NEVER COME BACK TO KANSAS CITY THIS PAST WEEKEND WAS SO ANNOYING. WHO COMES TO KC AND SPENDS THEIR ENTIRE WEEKEND IN THE POWER AND LIGHT DISTRICT? (I have them going to the National Championship and losing to KU in one of my brackets with my college friends. HOW'S THAT FEEL, CYCLONES?!?!?!?!)
(10) Davidson over (7) Iowa. I happen to know Tyler Kalinoski, the Player of the year and star of Davidson. He's one of Dan's pals from high school. I want him to do well during his senior year! Also I can't pick THREE Iowa schools. Iowa sucks, you guys.
(2) Gonzaga over (15) North Dakota St. Can you imagine how cold it gets in North Dakota? No thanks.
