The Bachelor Finale

I wish I could use emojis on this blogging software because the title of this post would have been called "The Bachelor Finale *red mad face emoji*"

Yeah. That's right. I said it. Not even just the plain old mad face. The RED mad face which means I'M REALLY MAD.

I started this blog around the time this season started. It was one of the very first things I wrote about, and I was stoked to keep a weekly tab of my witty thoughts and jokes about the Bachelor. Like yeah when people asked what my blog was about, it was a bit embarrassing to say "Uh I mostly write about the Bachelor," but at least I could follow that up with "but it's not just a sappy recap, it's all of the things my friends and I talk about while we watch. Basically a shit-talk-fest!"We love to watch these seasons and just poke fun at how absurd it can be and talk shit on all of the contestants. I have had some GREAT laughs in past seasons of The Bachelor with my friends. JUAN PABLO PISSED ME OFF SO BADLY THAT I COULDN'T EVEN THINK OF WITTY SARCASTIC IRONIC JOKES I ACTUALLY BECAME INVESTED AND FELT BAD FOR THE WOMEN. So now my blog is basically just a bunch of bimbo-esque ranting about this stupid TV show.  AND THIS SEASON WAS TOO EASY AS FAR AS JOKES ARE CONCERNED! A girl whose occupation is "Dog Lover!" A girl who spends 99% of her time naked! A girl whose teeth were all one piece and talked like a confused person! YOU'RE RUINING MY ATTEMPTS AT COMEDIC DISCOVERY JUAN PABLO.

Juan Pablo picked Nikki last night, which is exactly what I hoped WOULDN'T happen. I hated Clare all season, and once I started to hate Juan Pablo I wanted him to pick her because I liked Nikki and didn't want to see her end up with this guy. Clare gained points in my book last night when she told Juan Pablo off after he dumped her on that beach (after making her walk through gross dirty sand in strappy heels. That looked so hard you guys.)

My mom and Bones were like "okay CLARE you idiot you knew somebody was going to get dumped you don't get to freak out like this." I say she does. Clare went on her final date with Juan Pablo and apparently he said something really vulgar to her and she got really offended. Later that night she basically gave him a chance to dump her right then and there. I got the vibe the conversation was basically her telling him "if you have any doubts tell me about them" so she could asses the situation and decide if they were big enough doubts for her to leave, and he was all like "no no no no no stay." If he's as "honest" as he claims to be, why wouldn't he tell her all of his doubts? He basically begged her not to go, and since he claims to be so honest, SHE BELIEVED HIM. LIKE YOU SHOULD BELIEVE AN HONEST PERSON. Props to Clare. You're an idiot, but I'm glad you told him off and then refused to talk to him at the "After the Final Rose" show.

Then Nikki showed up. Juan Pablo told her he wasn't going to propose to her because he "wasn't 100% sure." Okay that's fine, but then he followed up with "I like you a lot. A LOT."

..........................................

ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! She was just expecting a proposal and you basically passed her a note in 5th grade math. If I was Nikki I would not have accepted the rose. God. That was so dumb.

SO THEN the After The Final Rose show came on. In my opinion, the ENTIRE POINT of ATFR is for the happy couple to reunite and shout it from the rooftops. Also, to let the audience know what their next steps will be as a couple.

So Chris Harrison sat down with Juan Pablo and Nikki and as always, asked the questions he normally asks. One of his first questions was "are you in love with Nikki?" And Juan Pablo refused to answer. Nikki told Chris Harrison he still hadn't told her he loves her. Like, WHAT?!? Okay Juan Pablo, it's fine if you're not in love with her yet, BUT THROW HER A DAMN BONE. How about a "I can't wait to start my life with her," or "I'm excited to fall in love with Nikki." But no. None of that. Just Juan Pablo being rude to Chris Harrison (who was getting so pissed off which was hilarious). 

Again, Mom and Bones were like "omg he's making this so awkward for them. He's being such an ass." I disagree. It's Chris Harrison's JOB to ask these questions. When Juan Pablo told him he wasn't going to answer his question about future plans "because that's private," I would've been pissed too. YOU SIGNED UP TO BE ON THE BACHELOR. YOU ARE  CONTRACTUALLY OBLIGATED TO TALK ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS AND PLANS. 

The entire thing pissed me off entirely. I hope Nikki doesn't leave Kansas City for him. If they both move here I hope I see them out so I can be like "you are not a nice man Juan Pablo." Yeah. I said it.

So thanks Juan Pablo, for allowing me to post a zillion blog posts about your season and them not even being that funny. Stoked for Andi to be the next Bachelorette. I'll be back to write about that. DON'T LET ME DOWN ANDI. 

Girl Power. Women's rights. Tina Fey.