So yeah, I quit my job.
No, I don't have anything else lined up.
Yes, I realize "it's easier to get a job when you have a job."
Yes, I'm still actively looking for a job.
Yes, I understand this means I no longer have income.
I really tried to like my job. I know everyone says that nobody's first job out of college is ideal, and I totally get that. And for a while, the actual WORK I was doing WAS ideal. I was handed my own major fashion blog right out of college for God's sake. It's every aspiring writer's dream! I figured yeah, the work environment is not ideal, but I'm learning so much and this is such great work, I'll try to learn to love it.
And I tried to love it. I really did. I tried everything. I tried getting friends to come interview for jobs so that I would have someone in the office to talk to. I tried leaving the office to work from Starbucks to get a little relief. I tried making friends with my co-workers. No matter what I tried I found myself home, in my bed, crying into the phone as I told my friends how much I hated my job.
You guys, I was just so unhappy. I was in an environment that at this point I can only explain as toxic. For those that know me, you know that I have no problems making friends. I know no stranger. I have been at my job for 7 months and I have made one friend. One. And yeah, I get it, you don't HAVE to be friends with your co-workers, but my co-workers and I had nothing in common. I feel like they took one look at my sparkly, floral-print, Disney-watching, Beyoncé-loving, cheerleading self and completely wrote me off as someone they did not want to know.
It's one thing to not like being at your job, but it's a whole other thing when it is all-consuming. I would come home from work crying about how unhappy I was, and I wouldn't be able to enjoy my weekend because I was too busy dreading going back to work on Monday.
I was also disrespected at times. People would roll their eyes when I spoke or refer to me as "just the intern." I was called a "Valley Girl" in a meeting once. I even had a co-worker make fun of me for the fact that I live with my parents.
I am a smart girl. Yeah I wish I lived my life wearing Cinderella's ball gown, but I also got a 31 on my ACT. I am a good writer and a very fast worker, and I have been known to be able to lead and motivate others because of my compassion for other people. I do not deserve to be disrespected.
A few weeks ago I had a very depressing revelation:
For the majority of my life I have been known as a person who has the ability to bring joy to others. It is a quality that I am immensely proud of. It's probably my favorite thing about myself. I realized that I was losing my ability to make other people happy. I wasn't making anybody laugh, and my friends were constantly needing to "check up on me," and tell me they were "worried about me." This is unacceptable. If I can't fulfill the job that I feel like I exist to fulfill, then what the hell am I doing? I knew it was time to get out. Time to take a step back, time to take time to recharge and start bringing joy to others again. I can't go on living my life in a situation where I am a "downer." Just like "klew" and "edgy," or "klew" and "hipster," or "klew" and "math," "Klew" and "downer" are never words you should find in the same sentence.
I thought people were going to tell me it was a stupid idea to quit my job without anything else lined up. I mean yeah, it's not exactly practical. I know that (I'm an intelligent person, remember?) I thought I was going to get a lecture from everyone I knew.
But the response I got was completely the opposite. I had so many people tell me how happy they were for me. My closest friends were overjoyed because they "have hated to watch me deteriorate" (this sent me into a meltdown of epic proportions. I am really lost right now you guys). I have had an overwhelming amount of support and a lot of people tell me that it's really commendable. I had someone tell me that "anybody can identify when they're unhappy. It takes a lot of guts to do something to make a change." My friends have cyber-held me as I cried and told me that I wasn't stupid. They lifted me up when I was at my lowest, and they made me a lot of cookies. They are the best, you guys.
So that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to make a change. And I guess I never really saw it that way, like it was a courageous thing to do. I always just thought that I was a failure. It's really reassuring to be able to look at it in that way.
I'm still a bit of a disaster. I really have no plan, and I don't know where to start. But at least I can take a step back and re-evaluate what it is that I want, what it is that's going to make me happy, and what it is I want to do with my life.
Also you guys, I can't tell you how exhilarating it is to take that step.
So now here I sit again, in my blue and white room, Cinderella watching over me, deciding what my next move is. Just me and this blog (and now G Chat because I set that up when I started working so that's a plus I guess.)
It's like that Albus Dumbledore quote:
So here I am. Remembering to turn on the light.
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