The Bachelor Finale

I wish I could use emojis on this blogging software because the title of this post would have been called "The Bachelor Finale *red mad face emoji*"

Yeah. That's right. I said it. Not even just the plain old mad face. The RED mad face which means I'M REALLY MAD.

I started this blog around the time this season started. It was one of the very first things I wrote about, and I was stoked to keep a weekly tab of my witty thoughts and jokes about the Bachelor. Like yeah when people asked what my blog was about, it was a bit embarrassing to say "Uh I mostly write about the Bachelor," but at least I could follow that up with "but it's not just a sappy recap, it's all of the things my friends and I talk about while we watch. Basically a shit-talk-fest!"We love to watch these seasons and just poke fun at how absurd it can be and talk shit on all of the contestants. I have had some GREAT laughs in past seasons of The Bachelor with my friends. JUAN PABLO PISSED ME OFF SO BADLY THAT I COULDN'T EVEN THINK OF WITTY SARCASTIC IRONIC JOKES I ACTUALLY BECAME INVESTED AND FELT BAD FOR THE WOMEN. So now my blog is basically just a bunch of bimbo-esque ranting about this stupid TV show.  AND THIS SEASON WAS TOO EASY AS FAR AS JOKES ARE CONCERNED! A girl whose occupation is "Dog Lover!" A girl who spends 99% of her time naked! A girl whose teeth were all one piece and talked like a confused person! YOU'RE RUINING MY ATTEMPTS AT COMEDIC DISCOVERY JUAN PABLO.

Juan Pablo picked Nikki last night, which is exactly what I hoped WOULDN'T happen. I hated Clare all season, and once I started to hate Juan Pablo I wanted him to pick her because I liked Nikki and didn't want to see her end up with this guy. Clare gained points in my book last night when she told Juan Pablo off after he dumped her on that beach (after making her walk through gross dirty sand in strappy heels. That looked so hard you guys.)

My mom and Bones were like "okay CLARE you idiot you knew somebody was going to get dumped you don't get to freak out like this." I say she does. Clare went on her final date with Juan Pablo and apparently he said something really vulgar to her and she got really offended. Later that night she basically gave him a chance to dump her right then and there. I got the vibe the conversation was basically her telling him "if you have any doubts tell me about them" so she could asses the situation and decide if they were big enough doubts for her to leave, and he was all like "no no no no no stay." If he's as "honest" as he claims to be, why wouldn't he tell her all of his doubts? He basically begged her not to go, and since he claims to be so honest, SHE BELIEVED HIM. LIKE YOU SHOULD BELIEVE AN HONEST PERSON. Props to Clare. You're an idiot, but I'm glad you told him off and then refused to talk to him at the "After the Final Rose" show.

Then Nikki showed up. Juan Pablo told her he wasn't going to propose to her because he "wasn't 100% sure." Okay that's fine, but then he followed up with "I like you a lot. A LOT."

..........................................

ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! She was just expecting a proposal and you basically passed her a note in 5th grade math. If I was Nikki I would not have accepted the rose. God. That was so dumb.

SO THEN the After The Final Rose show came on. In my opinion, the ENTIRE POINT of ATFR is for the happy couple to reunite and shout it from the rooftops. Also, to let the audience know what their next steps will be as a couple.

So Chris Harrison sat down with Juan Pablo and Nikki and as always, asked the questions he normally asks. One of his first questions was "are you in love with Nikki?" And Juan Pablo refused to answer. Nikki told Chris Harrison he still hadn't told her he loves her. Like, WHAT?!? Okay Juan Pablo, it's fine if you're not in love with her yet, BUT THROW HER A DAMN BONE. How about a "I can't wait to start my life with her," or "I'm excited to fall in love with Nikki." But no. None of that. Just Juan Pablo being rude to Chris Harrison (who was getting so pissed off which was hilarious). 

Again, Mom and Bones were like "omg he's making this so awkward for them. He's being such an ass." I disagree. It's Chris Harrison's JOB to ask these questions. When Juan Pablo told him he wasn't going to answer his question about future plans "because that's private," I would've been pissed too. YOU SIGNED UP TO BE ON THE BACHELOR. YOU ARE  CONTRACTUALLY OBLIGATED TO TALK ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS AND PLANS. 

The entire thing pissed me off entirely. I hope Nikki doesn't leave Kansas City for him. If they both move here I hope I see them out so I can be like "you are not a nice man Juan Pablo." Yeah. I said it.

So thanks Juan Pablo, for allowing me to post a zillion blog posts about your season and them not even being that funny. Stoked for Andi to be the next Bachelorette. I'll be back to write about that. DON'T LET ME DOWN ANDI. 

Girl Power. Women's rights. Tina Fey. 

Bachelor Week 6

I don't really have much to say this week. They went to New Zeland. I think it's safe to say I cannot name a single city located in New Zeland. I'm 23. Probably should learn something because how ignorant is that. 

JUAN PABLO AND THE LANGUAGE BARRIER OMG. See below. What is this supposed to say.  I mean I can use context clues to figure it out but like, PROOFREAD. 

They did this really cool thing where they rode these huge inflatable balls down a hill. They were filled with water and bouncy. It looked so fun.

He dumped Cassandra on her birthday lol. So awkward. Why didn't she tell him it was her Birthday? lolololol omg.

Also Clare annoys the living crap out of me. I hate how he obviously favors her. It's so annoying how Jaun Pablo keeps saying he's trying to be "fair" yet he goes out of his way to spend extra time with Clare and she's gotten two one-on-one dates. At one point last night they decided to put on sweats and Juan Pablo told her she looked beautiful and she was like "OMG HE THINKS IM BEAUTIFUL EVEN IN SWEATS!!!!! (giggle giggle squeal.) ....no. stop. shut up. hate that. 

Favorite is still Renee. I think it will be dumb if he doesn't pick her. She's perfect for him. Sometimes I think the Bachelors get it in their minds that they have been given an opportunity to meet so many women and date women they wouldn't normally date so they feel like they have to shock and awe and pick someone who isn't predictable. I hate that they do that. Like if you like what you like, then who cares? Why would you go for shock value. You don't go for shock value when choosing who you're gonna spend the rest of your life with. You go for shock value when picking your freakin prom dress. Idiots. 

Srsly though I'd love to go on this show because they've gotten to go on some kickass trips. 

Also Sharleen decided she wanted to leave at the last 5 minutes of the episode last night. So they're gonna drag that out for 2 weeks. Unnecessary. 

Andi

Cassandra

Chelsie

Clare

Kat

Nikki

Renee

Sharleen

Bachelor Week 5

The Bachelor went to Vietnam this week. Which I think is hilarious, because me and Bones were able to make a lot of "since Nam" comments. I would love to go to one of these Asian countries like they do in these shows. THey look SO EXOTIC and cool. And I want to see floating lanterns like they have in Tangled, and I know they do that in Thailand. 

HE FINALLY WENT ON A DATE WITH RENEE THANK THE LORD. She's the most normal and from what I can tell the best fit for him. If he doesn't end up with Renee then I'm writing this season off as having had too much interference from the producers. 

He also went on a date with Nikki, our homegirl from KCMO. I kind of lost interest because I was trying to eat my dinner at this point, but I like her. They keep trying to write her off as the bitch, but it's a contrived effort if you ask me. She's also pretty normal. And props to her for being from KCMO. 

He went on a group date with everybody else and stupid Clare kept monopolizing all of his time. She hopped in the little boat thing with him and they were like making out the whole time. And then at the night time part where they get dressed up and have drinks they like went off in the pool by themselves for a really long time. Meanwhile he didn't kiss Renee on their one on one date because he thought that would be "inappropriate." Then he gave Clare the rose for the group date, although he had a really touching moment with Andi. If you ask me, Juan Pablo is pretty contradictory. Also Clare did that thing where she sneaks over to his apartment after hours and asks him to go swimming with her. OKAY YA ALL YOU DID WAS SWIM. I hate when people do that. I hope all the other girls find out she did that and the shit hits the fan. Juan Pablo came to her during the rose ceremony and told her it was probably a bad idea and she got all dramatic and started crying. Good Clare. You did that to yourself. You're a drama queen. Time for you to go. 

Kelly the Dog Lover went home. Pretty bummed about that because she was a pot-stirrer and I loved watching her start stupid shit between different girls. 

Ali

Andi

Cassandra

Chelsie

Clare

Danielle

Kat

Kelly

Nikki

Renee

Sharleen

The Bachelor Week 4

Tuesday again. That means we watched the Bachelor last night. Bones and Izzy and Jordan and Lauren came over, complete with box of wine. We had some fantastic laughs as we watched all these fools head to South Korea. We laughed at the fact that now Juan Pablo's on a level playing field because nobody speaks Korean (is that the name of the language they speak? wow am I so ignorant right now?)

Lots of weird food was happening, and they did a lot of really weird shit for dates.

One of the dates was that they had to learn a dance and go on stage and dance with this super famous pop group from South Korea. It was so funny because Nikki (KC Girl) WAS NOT HAVIN IT. Lolololol and she was being so honest in her interviews like "I hate this. I wish I could throw a fit." So funny that she was so straight up. Also Kat was trying to be all sexy the entire time and steal the spotlight and show off her dance moves. Stop. You're done. Nikki got dressed in like the worst outfit. It was hilarious. 

 A bunch of them went to put their feet in this pool and have fish eat the dead skin off....EW EW EW EW EW EW. Hated that. Also Clare was a psycho this week. She went up to Juan Pablo and was like "OHHH MY GODDD I HOPE WERE NOT GOING TO EAT ANYTHING WEIRD!" And then made a huge dramatic deal about how she didn't want to try octopus (which really isn't even that exotic. you can get that in America) It was obnoxious. She kept squealing. That's the best word I can use for it. Hate her. Her teeth are one piece. 

Juan Pablo decided on one of his group dates that he wasn't going to kiss anyone. ...K. He wanted to be a "good role model" for his daughter. I don't get that. You already said you weren't going to let her watch this show. Also how does randomly selecting 3 girls not to kiss make you a good role model? You've already made out with like half of them. Also he broke his promise and kissed Clare. ew. Also he looks like hes the worst kisser of all time. Also he denied the piano bike girl and it was one of the most awkward things I've ever seen.

Also KELLY THE DOG LOVER MAKES HER DEBUT AS HILARIOUS POT STIRRER. She was so funny last night. She was trying to start shit between the girls simply for her own entertainment. Loved it. New favorite asshole. 

He had a really cute exchange with Andi. I really like her. Also think she looks exactly like Maddie Terry.

Elise wouldn't stop touching her own hair. Hated it. Glad she's gone. 

That's really all I remember. These girls are mostly batshit crazy, and if you ask me Juan Pablo has literally no idea what's going on. Can't wait to see what kind of crap unfolds next week.

Ali

Andi

Cassandra

Chelsie

Clare

Danielle

Elise

Kat

Kelly

Lauren S.

Nikki

Renee

Sharleen

the bachelor, week 3

Lots to discuss about this week's episode of "The Bachelor." Annie and Chelsea came over to watch with me. I know I know, the KU game was on at 8. We caught the end of it. Please don't send us to KU Basketball Hell (Which I imagine to be Iowa State's arena for the rest of eternity. Still hating everything about last Monday's game)

1. Juan Pablo went on a one on one date with Casandra. 

First of all, she's 21 years old. I get that she has a kid so you identify with her, but she's still 21. She showed her age like 4 million times during this entire exchange. SHE. IS. TOO. YOUNG. FOR YOU. They went on this boat car thing and rode it out to a yacht and chilled on the yacht and then had dinner at his house... Which Annie thought was his actual house...and she didn't realize they go home and change between the day and the evening. "HOW DID HER HAIR LOOK THAT PERFECT AFTER SWIMMING." ....ok, annie. 

2. Elise thought she was gonna get a one-on-one date with Juan Pablo and then she got shafted

Take a shot every time she calls Chelsie "just a little girl" ...surprise, you're wasted. 

3. Chelsie went on the Bachelor "lets jump off something" date

They do this every season. Annie pointed that out. "DO YOU REALIZE THEY DID THIS LAST SEASON! Duh Annie. You're captain obvious when we watch this. But ya. Bungee jumping off a cliff. In the words of Hoven, "I would rather be executed by firing squad than do this." She cried about it for like 20 minutes too long. The way I see it, if you die in a bungee jumping accident, it's your time. THAT NEVER EVER HAPPENS, so if it happens to you then just deal with it. you'll die instantly on impact and it was obviously in god's plan for you to go to heaven haha. So they eventually jumped and then, JUST LIKE THEY SAY EVERY SINGLE SEASON, she made some comment about how bungee jumping was a "leap of faith" and a "metaphor for their relationship" because obviously if you can trust someone to go bungee jumping with you, you can trust them to be your life partner. K. "Juan Pablo made me feel safe and made sure I trusted we would be fine when we jumped!" No, certified professionals made sure you were safe and trusted you would be fine when you jumped. It's their job. 

4. They went on a group date to go play soccer. 

I'm surprised nobody took their tops off a la Brandi Chastain

but it was kinda boring. Lucy's hair was wet during the night part of the date, which is concerning because there was no water element involved at any time. Only logical explanation is that she probably sprayed her water bottle all over herself in an attempt to look sexy. Which just cracks me up and gives Lucy 10000 more points in my book. Lots of the girls you could tell were pissed bc they were unathletic and they didn't want to look stupid in front of Juan Pablo. Especially Sharleen. Which leads me to....

5. Juan Pablo makes out with Sharleen in the middle of the soccer field

EW. EW. EW. EW. EW. IT WAS SO GROSS. I WAS NEAR TEARS. OMG. He basically sucked all over her face and I never want to see anything like that ever again for as long as I live. 

6. Juan Pablo came over to cook the girls breakfast 

Aka he wanted to see who would freak the F out if he saw them without makeup. "Does this mean I have to put clothes on?" -Lucy. I would not have enjoyed this breakfast. I don't like eggs. So then I would have just not eaten it and he would think I'm an ungrateful bitch. Also Chelsea commented that they live with a hairstylist so "why wouldn't you go ask the hairstylist to help you with your hair if you look awful?" And Annie replied "Ya but if I was the hairstylist I wouldn't help them because I wouldn't want them to look prettier than me." So moral of the story is that if Annie gets on the Bachelor ever she's there to win, and is going to be rather cutthroat about it. 

7. They decided they would have a pool party instead of a cocktail party

Everyone put on their swimsuits, everyone tried to walk past Juan Pablo in her swimsuit. People got drunk, and drama started happening. everyone was crying bc he was not giving them the most attention. It was like a meltdown of epic proportions. Meanwhile, Lucy was just floating around in the pool alone. Giving not one single F**k. 

8. Lucy gets sent home

NOOOOOOO PRODUCERS WHYYYYY! WHY COULDN'T YOU KEEP HER AROUND FOR ONE MORE EPISODE!?!? SHE WAS SO FUNNY!

"Love lucy. So funny. Bummed she's gone." -Bones, on Lucy's departure

"everyone liked her because they knew she wasnt a threat...high 24/7" -Bones, on Lucy's departure

"Lol you can tell she didn't shower for the rose ceremony. Because obviously dgaf." -Bones, on lucy

"Lol i'd be friends with her." -Bones, on Lucy

"Because during the group date with the dogs everyone was crying about their outfits and she was walking a dog naked. Dgafing so hard." 

Her exit interview was so cute though. She was like "I hope everyone gets what they're looking for bcauase everyone deserves to be happy." Preach Lucy. You were a psycho nutcase, but I shall miss you. 

All in all, hilarious episode. Love coming together with friends to spend time watching this and laughing about it. 

Also if he doesn't end up with Renee this show is screwed. She's normal AF, and stunning, and his age. Team Renee all the way. Also team Kansas City girl just bc I want to watch him go to KC on the hometown date. 

Ali

Andi

Cassandra

Chelsie

Christy

Clare

Danielle

Elise

Kat

Kelly

Lauren S.

Lucy

Nikki

Renee

Sharleen

Have a juanderful evening,

Bachelor week 2.

Last night was Monday night which means the Bachelor was on again! This week Juan Pablo went on two one-on-one dates as well as a group date. 

I really did not like either of the date choices this week. The first girl had a "winter wonderland" date in LA. Like they made their own snow and ice rink and they did winter things in the 70 degree weather. I WOULD HAVE HATED THAT. WHY WOULD YOU PUT SNOW IN A PLACE ON PURPOSE. Oh my god. I just really hate the snow. The second date was the Electric Run. Aka they ran a 5k for their date. In the words of the ever wise Kathryn Hoven, "I would vomit on that date, both from rage and exercise." Couldn't have said it better myself. 

The group date was pretty cool but also a little bit psycho. Okay a LOT psycho. They had to model for a photo shoot with some dogs from a shelter in efforts to get the dogs adopted. I think it's a really cool cause and I'm sure the girl who's occupation is "dog lover" was ALLLL over that. However, they made some of the girls dress up in ridiculous costumes and they even made two of the girls pose naked. 

One of the girls who originally was meant to be naked refused because she is a first grade teacher and wanted to be seen as a role model at all times because she knew her kids were going to be watching this. YOU GO GIRLFRIEND. I'm so glad she stood up for herself. There is no way in HELL I would ever do that, and I was actually kind of shocked that the producers/Juan Pablo even asked the girls to do that. Um, HELLO. That is totally contradictory to everything you're trying to make this show about. I feel like the producers of the Bachelor are constantly trying to convince people that these are "real people" with "real feelings" and are there to "find love" and start a life. So with that mindset, you should be casting women who are set in their career lives and are now looking for love. What woman who has a solid career is going to voluntarily pose nude on TV for a reality show on which she's supposed to be falling in love? Is Juan Pablo REALLY going to love you any more or less depending on whether or not you take all of your clothes off on TV? I just think it kind of wrecks the show's credibility (okay, I get it that it really has no credibility, but you know what I mean). If this was a real as they say it is, they would do a lot more dates at just straight up restaurants or doing an activity together that would help them bond. I just don't see how this helped them bond. I lost a little bit of respect for the Lawyer chick who did it anyways, but once she explained her reasoning I gained it back. I still like her. Also the girl who is "free spirit" just walks around completely naked all the time. OKAY JAUN PABLO. Do you really think the girl who enjoys flashing the camera for a laugh is suitable to be the future stepmother of your daughter? She cracks me up, but her days are numbered. 

Also, one of the girls got TOTALLY OBLITERATED during the drinks and socializing after the group date. Like, "Hawk-Dollar-night-freshman-year-puke-in-your-own-hand-and-not-even-realize-it" wasted. It was HILARIOUS. Also if I was that girl I would never show my face in public ever again. Juan Pablo waited for her to sober up and then got rid of her because obviously he can't have some chick that can't even handle herself be around his four year old. She was nuts. Hilariously embarrassing trashy tv moment. 

All-in-all, pretty hilarious episode. Favorite is still the mom Renee. If he doesn't pick her then I think that's dumb. That's all I have to say. 

(And yes, I watched this instead of the first half of the KU game because I couldn't handle the HORRENDOUS COLOR COMBINATION that was happening at Iowa State. Omg. Talk about that at another date.)

Urs Truly,

Ali

Amy L

Andi

Cassandra

Chantel

Chelsie

Christy

Clare

Danielle

Elise

Kat

Kelly

Lacy

Lauren S.

Lucy

Nikki

Renee

Sharleen

Victoria

It's JUANuary ya'll!

Okay, it's that time again. 

Yes, I watch the Bachelor. I'm a 23 year old girl who spent the last four years of her life living in a sorority house, what do you expect? Although while some of my sistafriends watch with stars in their eyes and believe they are watching true love blossom right before their very eyes, I'm not that girl. I tend to be the one sharing the love seat in the corner with Anna, consuming one too many drinks, and cracking jokes and judging the crap out of everything that's happening on TV. 

This season we get to watch Juan Pablo on his search for the JUAN (seriously that play on words is never going to get old with me), and yesterday was the series premiere. I watched Juan Pablo on Desiree's season...and by "watched Juan Pablo" I mean my eyes were on the TV during what was probably four seconds total of his airtime. He was NEVER on TV with Des, and from what I could tell he barely had a relationship with her. It seemed a little bit to me like the producers almost planted him in the cast just to pull out the next bachelor. Whatever, after seeing his interviews with Chris Harrison and the promos and stuff he seems to be a pretty deece guy. He's from Venezuela? (idk. south american country.) So he's got the accent which his swoon-worthy. I also think it will be pretty interesting to watch him interact with a bunch of American women because English isn't his first language. So he doesn't know how to talk in circles and say things without really SAYING things like an American can do. So I feel like all of his interactions are going to be truly genuine because he communicates so directly. He won't be able to "accidentally fool" a girl into thinking he feels one way when he really doesn't.  Does that make sense? Plus he has a little daughter who is ADORABLE, so fine. I like Juan Pablo. 

The GIRLS this season? Oh my lanta. The first thing I said when I finished watching yesterday was "what a brilliant bunch of BS." The Bachelor producers never seem to fail to find some of the most bizarre, colorful, WEIRD AS SHIT women. I loved every second of watching these psychos get out of the limo and try to catch Juan Pablo's attention, all the while just becoming increasingly more and more intoxicated and more likely to start crying. It was deliciously entertaining. 

For list number 2 of my 52 Lists of 2014 I have composed a list of all of the girls and my reaction to them as they stepped out of the limo. I actually make this list every year in my phone so I can remember stupid stuff about them as the season goes on, but this year I guess I'll put it on here. So here's the link to Juan Pablo's 27 possible wives, as they first stepped out of the limo. 

I'll probably give an update with my thoughts every week about the Bachelor. I'll bet you anything next week is the date where they go bungee jumping or do some daring thing and the girl makes a comment about how "it's just like a metaphor for our relationship! A leap of faith!" Mark my words. So predicatble, but it's just SO ENTERTAINING.

Alexis
Ali
Amy J
Amy L
Andi
Ashley
Cassandra
Chantel
Chelsie
Christine
Christy
Clare
Danielle
Elise
Kat
Kelly
Kylie
Lacy
Lauren H
Lauren S.
Lucy
Maggie
Nikki
Renee
Sharleen
Valerie
Victoria

you guys are the only JUANS for me,